Fred Abbasi

So I think I've shared this memory a million times before, but since today is my birthday I thought I'd share it again...

Last year on my birthday we all went out to a Halloween party, and everyone was laughing and singing happy birthday for me but Fred said nothing... I remember telling Samira how upset I was cause I was hoping he would've remembered and at least said happy birthday...
So we all leave the party and go to Aladdin's our normal late night hang out spot...there was like, oh gosh, 15? 20 of us? anyhoo so we're all sitting there talking about the night, laughing, and eating, and all of a sudden the lights turn off and the guys that worked there brought out a cake with candles and everyone started singing happy birthday! and I was so excited and SO shocked and I remember turning to Nabeel and saying thank you! and he was like uhh it wasn't me?! So i asked the guy who did it and he pointed over to the one and only Fred...who hadn't said anything to me allllllllllllllllll night haha! So I run over to him and thanked him and he was like "watchu talkin bout girl?" and i was like "you know what im talking about! i thought you forgot!" he just smiled his beautiful smile and said "are you serious? okayyyy i gotchu girl!" haha I smiled gave him the biggest hug and sat back down...

You made my birthday night complete..And I am forever grateful..And now I must "celebrate" my birthday knowing that you won't be there at the end of the night with that beautiful smile to cheer me on...But, I will come to see you today..with Samira by my side.


Thank you times a million Agha Farid. You truly were one of a kind

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I  JSUT  WANNA  PUT THIS SONG  FOR U  GUYS   BEACUSE IT  REMINDS  ME  OF  FREE AND  HOMY  JAAN   AND   IT  REMINDS ME OF  WHEN  GOD   IN THE LAST  DAY BRINGS THAT  PERSON  IN FRONT  OF THEM  AND  THEY SAY  WHY U KILLED ME  WHY DID I EVER DO TO  U WHAT U THINK THAT PERSON IS GOING  FEEL  AT THE  END. I CHAGED  SOO MUCH  THEREING  MY LIFE  I STARTED BEING  NICE  TO PPL  AND CAREING FOR PPL  CUZ LIFE  IS  ABOUT   BEING  NICE  AND CAREING  NOT FIGHTING  SO THIS WHY  I PUT THIS SONG   AND    IAM IN THIS   MUSIC VIDIO TOOO  U SEE ME  GOD  BLESS  FRED AND  ALL THE  YOUNG AND OLD  PPL  WHO LOST THERE LIFES BY ACT OF RUDENESS 

Fred...I know what your thinking...Your thinking Tina and Zohal are right.  I know you want more than anything for all of us...all the loved ones you left behind to go back to our lives and be happy again.  But let me tell you something.  Now I have never been the type to accept defeat...or to deem anything impossible...but in all honesty...being happy again and living a normal life is IMPOSSIBLE. 

 

Fred, I have tried so hard....and I try so hard everyday to wake up in the morning put a smile on my face and face the world like nothing has happened.  Seems like sucha a simple task...but honestly without you here...even the simplest of the simplest tasks seem impossible and for some reason require so much effort.  Just getting out of bed, getting dressed, and walking to school requires me giving so much of myself.  I dont want to get out of bed, I want to sleep all day, maybe even through this whole life. It's the only way I can escape this torment.  I dont want to get dressed.  Who wants to look all nice and prim on the outside...when I feel so beaten, so scarred and so cut up in the inside.  For Gods sake, its so hard just to walk to school...because so many times Ive had to fight the temptation of throwing myself in front of a car whenever I imagine all the pain you suffered in your last few minutes..all by your lonely self...with nobody by your side...

 

I try so hard to conceal my pain from mom.  But Fred its so hard to see mom like this and not cry along with her.  Fred, you left us but you took so much of mom with you.  Sometimes, I look at mom and I can see right through her.  She just seems so lost, so empty, and so defeated.  I feel like she has given up on this life.  On us, the rest of her children, and all she has to look forward to is her last breathe.   I know exactly what shes thinking and it kills me to know that her pain is 10X worse than mine when I feel like my pain is unbearable. 

 

Fred, we came to visit you the other day.  And mom like always started crying very loud.  I hugged her and tried to comfort her and I told her that you could see her right now and she was making you very upset by crying like that.  And all of a sudden she started to wipe her tears and I could see she was struggling and fighting very hard not to cry.  And she turned to me and asked with so much hope in her eyes..she asked "Can he hear me too?"...and I said "yes mom, he can...each and every word you say"...and she turned to your grave and she said "Fred, please come into my dreams tonite..please..Im begging you..just once...let me see you in my dreams at least."......Now I know that this must of have hurt you just as much as hurt me.  Those few words of hers were like an arrow peircing right through my heart.  It hurt so much Fred.  It hurts soooooo much to see mom in so much pain and not be able to do anything for her.  I want to do something for her so bad, but I can't.  Theres nothing I can do to help her and it kills me.  Shes a mother.  She has a right to see her child whenever her heart desires.  Shes not even begging to see you one more time, to hold you one more time like I do. She just simply knows and has accepted that its impossible.  All shes asking for is to see you in her dreams.  Shes a mother, who cared for and showered you with love and affection for 23 years.  Does God not even see her worthy of at least seeig you in her dreams?? It drives me crazy.  When I see her, I forget about my own pain.  All I want to do is scream and ask God to do something for her.  I know its horrible of me...but sometimes I want to scream at God and tell God to give her son back..take me in place of you and return her baby to her...She doesnt deserve this..

 

Samira said she'll never stop asking why?? And I must say, Im with her on that too.  Never will I.  I have tried so many times to figure this out...to make sense of it all...but my conclusion each and everytime is...Not fair..it will never be fair.  I dont accept this and I never will.  Most of the time, I wonder about the person who did this to you.  I wonder how could their hearts have been so poisoned...how could they have not seen the goodness that always shined right through you...how could they not see that bullets arent made for guys like you...  and most of all I wonder if they could see us right now? see how much pain they have left for us to suffer.  They may think, they punished you.  But in reality, they've punished us.  We all know your in a better place but we're the ones left behind in this cruel world to bear this suffering. It's so sad to know that someone who we dont even know, whom we've never done anything to...decided to punish us and God gave them exacty that...

From reading the last few posts and talking to others, i know everyone is feeling the same way. As time is passing, its getting harder and harder for everyone. i can say even in August, i would come on here and read everyone's posts, and i would be sad but wouldnt cry as much, now its so difficult to even think that there is a site dedicated to sharing memories of you. The tears that fall are due to so many reasons.......they are from missing you, being sad at how life has changed so much in the last few months, knowing that nothing will ever be the same, knowing that whereever we go, there will a part of us that is always empty and can never be filled.

 

It's crazy though, because in all honesty, i didnt know you that personally. I knew you only through Samira and i have had many deaths in my family all through my life, but after each death a few months would pass and the hurt would lessen and yes, i often do think about them, but never like this before. Now, all i do is think about you and how life has changed and why out of everyone in this world, did it have to happen to you? Why did God take away someone that his absence is killing so many people inside? Before, whenever someone would ask me how everyone is doing and how everything is, i would say Inshallah in time, things will get better and slowly it was, but now all i say is no it sucks, it really does suck.

 

Often times, i dont want to write on here, because i know Samira reads everything before it is posted and i dont want her to sad, but this site is allowing people to vent how sad they are and i dont know if it helps but it feels like we are writing to you.

 

I read what Zo wrote to you and a big part of why i didnt want to celebrate my bday this year was that i didnt want to have a celebration and everyone be there except for you. I didnt want to have to wait and have the slightest bit of hope that you would show.

 

Everywhere we go, you are in our thoughts..........im sorry Samira and I couldnt stay long on Sunday, but like she told you, we went to go see TI.  I so wish that when he said put ur cell phones up if you lost anyone close to you, that we didnt have to put them up.....but we did and it broke our hearts to face reality.

 

I know that you are in a better place...........but what kills me inside is to see all these people that i care about dying inside missing you........I told Samira on SUnday after we left the cemetary, that i dont even remember what i used to think about before you passed, because all i do is think about you and what life would have been if you were here with us still........miss and love you Fred....please give everyone the strength to go on.....(\/\/)

This past weekend, we went out for Tina MD's birthday and it was very weird...i kept looking over my shoulder and expected you to show up...late of course , but I really expected to see you on Friday night. I know you were there with us, you probably gave us all that luck and let us get all those tickets!! :)

anyway, i remembered a good memory of you from almost exactly a year ago. We were going to the Haunted Forest and we were driving in your car to the Chile's in Tysons to meet up some people and you blasted that song "get down on the ground." you and noor were doing this dance and it was so funny. All the girls were were squished in the back while you two were in your world. I told Samira about that, and she gave a big smile when she remembered it, and I know that made you happy, seeing her smile when she's thinking of you.

I heard that song randomly on a CD I have, and it made me smile to think of that memory and you, and that whole day and all the memories we had...its REALLY sad how you were taken away from us and everything changed here. I know everyone wishes we could take back time, but we can't. We can just pray and wait till the day where we can hopefully see you again. Its weird, you were always there, randomly, it could have been like 2am when we were hanging out somewhere, but you would talk to me and help me through whatever Im going to, and now, when I need someone to talk to the most, you're not here.

Im trying my best not to be sad, because I know you wouldn't like that, you would want me, and everyone else to be happy and remember the good times, because you loved everyone having a good time and smiling. So im doing my best to smile for you Fred, because I know you're smiling down on us..its hard to smile, but I'm trying.

god bless you flavaaa flav, uncle #3, love you & miss you.

--miss zohal